Mostly Twitching
by SweetlyDesolated
Summary: Locked in Azkaban for "killing" Pettigrew, Harry Potter manages to find love and how to keep a strait poker face. His jailers arrive to free him, only to come to terms with Harry, dementors, and Harry's new family. Cursing; SLASH HP/RL
1. Azkaban

**Title:** Mostly Twitching

**Author: **SweetlyDesolated

**Pairing: **Harry/Rabastan, Bellatrix/Rodolphus

**Chapter Warning:** Language, cursing, slash and het (not explicit)

**Summary: **Locked in Azkaban for killing Peter Pettigrew, Harry Potter manages to find love and how to keep a strait poker face. His jailers come to free him, only to come to terms with Harry and his dementor friends.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter and his associated friends, no matter how much I want them. I also don't own the card game 'BS' or 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. I do own the plot, and my ideas on the dementors.

**Author's Note:** There are some things changed, so go ahead and read this once again and try to spot the differences!

* * *

He twitched. And twitched again. His mad emerald eyes were hidden behind the twitching eyelids.

Harry Potter crossed his arms and leaned against the stone ledge that served as his bed in Azkaban Prison. Really, he should have foreseen that he would be thrown into Azkaban for murder… Even if the murdered person happened to be Pettigrew… Even if Wormtail _technically_ wasn't human. He was more rat than human in Harry's eyes. What was terrible, though, was the fact that, while it was his wand that finished Wormtail off, it wasn't Harry who threw the spell. It was depressing, and kind of a downer.

"Bull shit," he spoke snidely. Five other beings were in the cell with him, two dementors, and three prisoners, the latter mostly more insane than him.

Though the dementors no longer had any effect on him, if they did in the first place, he had grown immune to their haunting chills… It wasn't that alone; Harry had merely made a deal to work on giving other prisoners happy memories in return for the dementors to not use their powers on him.

The blue-eyed man sitting across from Harry had his own eye twitch. His eyes narrowed at Harry, trying to stare down the fifteen year old into submission. Harry merely smirked back.

"Goddammit, Harry!" Rabastan growled. He stretched his hand forward and snagged the pile.

Harry released a crazy cackle, joined by Bellatrix and the gruff voice of her dementor guard. Since Bellatrix and her husband, Rodolphus, were crazier than Harry and Rabastan (Rodolphus' younger brother), they required dementor guards in case they became too wild and started to cause harm. Harry found it as self-preservation, though the dementors were willing to help him. For dementors to guard Bellatrix, he was required to get her to laugh at least five times whenever he saw her. That was enough happiness for Bella to give two separate dementors hearty meals.

The dementor guards joined in the games the prisoners played, though Harry was required for translation as they spoke Parseltongue and their native language.

Rabastan had a dementor on one side and his sister-in-law, Bellatrix, on the other. To the left of his dementor was his brother, Rodolphus, who sat next to Harry. Harry's left side was occupied by Bellatrix's dementor, making a complete circle. (Basically, clockwise: Harry, dementor, Bellatrix, Rabastan, dementor, Rodolphus, and Harry again)

+Three nines+ the dementor hissed out.

Harry translated for the group, "Three nines." His eyebrows furrowed as he gazed under the hood. The mouth was wide and the skin covered in scales. The eye sockets were filled with shadows. A reptilian tongue helped to pronounce the snake language.

"Do I believe you, that is the question," Harry mused. He figured he was already winning the game, so he let the play slide. No one else called out the dementor; the creature hissed happily when Rodolphus announced his claim of a single ten.

Bellatrix, an expert at reading her husband, even if she was mad, declared, "That's bull shit, Rudo."

The man narrowed his navy blue eyes at his crazy wife. "Thanks, Bella, and see to getting sex from another this week." Yes, they really did love each other…deep, deep down inside their cold, dried-up hearts.

Rodolphus' hand stretched forward to take the pile consisting of four cards. "And I almost won, too!" he wailed.

His dementor guard hissed at Harry to make the man happy again. The teen frowned and replied, +Just stick them in the same cell over night. Claim your meal in the morning.+

The subjects of the conversation gave him an odd glance, even if they couldn't understand what he had said. Rabastan gave Harry a look signifying the need for Harry to continue the game; it was his turn after all. The brunet's (1) eye twitched again.

"Two Jacks," Harry announced to the cell. Rustles of cards sounded as his companions searched for three Jacks. Sure, Harry was bluffing. His placed hand consisted of a Jack, so he wasn't completely lying, and of a seven. However, after being in Azkaban for nearly two years, he had an excellent poker face. And acting skills, but those weren't up for consideration in this game. Acting was left for Friday nights, when the group of four humans and two interchangeable dementor guards played Charades.

"I really want to call you on this, but I know I'll lose," Rabastan commented. The others made noises of agreement, and Harry smirked inside.

The dementor guard of Bella hissed, +Seven Queens.+

Harry translated and froze. "Cheater! There are _so _not seven Queens in a deck! Bull shit, I say bull shit!" The dementors caught the gist and both hissed in laughter, joined by the amused chuckles of the other three humans.

The dementor picked up the nine cards and hissed in anger at the fact he had his own cards…plus Harry's Jack and a random seven. +You cheated just as much,+ it commented in a whisper to Harry's ear. The teen shivered at the cold breath.

+You didn't call me on it.+

+This is true.+

+Would you mind paying attention to the game? The crazy human claims there are four Kings in her hand,+ the other dementor told the two.

When everyone had searched their hand and found not a single King, Bellatrix leered. "Once again, I beat you, my husband." Indeed, Bellatrix had emptied her hand of all cards. Rodolphus snarled and tried to dive across the circle when his dementor enclosed him in the circle of its bony arms. The man squirmed in the creature's grip, but was unable to get free.

+The woman's cell today?+ his guard asked Bella's.

The opposite dementor nodded and gathered his gloating prisoner after placing his cards face down on the pile. Both dementors wrapped their cloaks around Bellatrix and Rodolphus; the cloaks enabled the wards on the cell doors to dissolve momentarily for dementor and prisoner to pass through without harm.

+See you later,+ Harry hissed after the group and received four verbal replies.

The crazy teen stood from the solid stone floor, stretching his arms up and arching his back to get the kinks out. He didn't see the figure that stood from the floor, or watch him walk to his stretching body. However, Harry felt the warm hands that enclosed the slight muscles of his sides and pulled him forward into a lanky chest.

Harry's lips were covered with a pair of rough lips in a short kiss. Rabastan sat on the thin mattress (the stone ledge was easily felt underneath) and pulled the non-protesting teen into his arms.

"How is it she always wins at these card games?" Rabastan questioned Harry. The two shifted until they were spooning on the pallet.

"I have no idea," he replied. Somehow, Bellatrix managed to have every other player of BS (Bull Shit) end up with a large portion of the card deck as her own hand shrunk considerably with every play she made. Sometimes, Harry felt that the woman knew Legilimency, but that thought was blown away when he cheated and she didn't call him on it.

The two trailed off into silence, relaxing in the other's presence, until Rabastan got rowdy at the feel of Harry's warm arse pressing pleasantly into his groin. He kissed along the warm neck of his lover after shifting the long brunet hair to the side, enjoying the pleased sounds the teen vocalized.

Harry flipped in the man's loose arms to come lips-to-lips with Rabastan. He smiled at the friction, and the couple began to strip for a random session of love-making.

Hours after falling asleep, Harry woke to the feeling of a shaking Rabastan pressed against his back. He immediately knew a dementor was feeding from the man, most likely on the happy memory the couple had just made.

+Knock off, you all promised to leave him alone,+ Harry hissed sleepily.

+But he tastes so good. He's so tempting!+ the dementor replied, still a ways away.

Emerald eyes cracked open, squinting at the assault of firelight filtering through the bars of his cell on his retinas. +I do not care; go and bother Rudo and Bella if you must feed.+

+As you wish,+ the dementor said. The shaking along Harry's body stopped, and the teen felt as Rabastan's arm tightened around his waist for comfort. Harry covered the large hand with his smaller one.

The dementor approached however, coming into Harry's view. His arrival at Azkaban had brought him corrected vision as the human guards didn't want their prisoner blind to face the dementors; Harry's glasses were broken irreparably before his arrival. +There are wizards and witches coming to see you, Duane,+ the dementor told Harry when the teen made a questioning sound at its closeness – the dementor had entered the cell.

+Let them in,+ Harry commented. +I do not care what they see; it is their own fault if they don't like the view.+ Harry squirmed back into the warm body spooning his.

+As you wish,+ the creature repeated. The creature retreated from the cell, and Harry heard it turn to stand guard at the entrance.

"There're humans coming to see me," Harry told Rabastan.

"I shouldn't be here, then," he responded. The man made a move to sit up, but Harry's arm clenched over his own, keeping his body pressed to the cot.

"Let them see us," Harry said. The man settled against him again, though hesitant if the tension in the lines of his body was read correctly by Harry. The teen lifted his head from the makeshift pillow of his robes to glance down the lines of his and Rabastan's bodies to make sure they were well-enough covered. Though tired from their activities, both males had had enough sensibility to pull on a pair of pants before sleeping.

It was obvious they had been together as both had mussed hair and their legs were twined together on the narrow bed. Harry cared naught of the impression they were sure to make; he pulled Rabastan's arm tighter around his chest and cuddled back into the warm body.

Soon, multiple sounds of breathing, footsteps, and murmuring voices came into hearing distance of the cell with which Harry was imprisoned. The hiss of two dementors also was heard, and Harry released a low chuckle at their words.

"What is it?" Rabastan asked him drowsily.

Harry merely shook his head and let his eye lids drift closed again. The voices came closer until they were right outside the cell door, and Harry had to run his fingers lightly over his lover's arm to keep the man calm.

+Duane, these wizards and witches are here to see you,+ one dementor said.

+Let them watch,+ Harry replied.

+As you wish, Duane,+ the three dementors hissed in sync. The dementors had found Harry's powers of persuasion, as well as his ability to converse in Parseltongue, quite amusing, and had dubbed him 'Duane,' which translated into 'Little Dark One.' It was the dementor way to show affection to give a person a name in the dementor language.

"Harry, my dear boy!" was called out from the cell door. The light that had been outside the cell moved closer to illuminate the dark interior, and Harry grimaced. One of his hands rose to shield his eyes from the reinforced brightness while his other pushed him into a sitting position.

He recognized his ex-Professor Dumbledore's voice. "Albus," Harry said. The teen could finally squint through watery eyes and he caught sight of two red heads and a bushy-haired teen. There was a shaggy black head standing to the right of Dumbledore. "What are you all doing here?" he asked.

Granger spoke up. "The Ministry finally processed the forms saying that you were able to kill Pettigrew without any effects to your record as he was not human after living so long as an Animagus. Laws against beasts are not in existence." Of course, she neglected to mention the fact about Harry having not cast the killing spell, but he let it slide.

The dementors monitoring the arrivals hissed in displeasure. +Calm down, please,+ Harry told them. The sounds from their gaping mouths lowered in volume until he could barely hear them.

Rabastan sat up next to Harry; the two ignored the gasps of his appearance. "What is it?" he asked groggily, rubbing pretend sleep from his eyes.

Harry smirked up at the man. "They claim I am free; they say that Pettigrew was not human, so I didn't technically kill a human. Thus, my sentence is void."

Rabastan chuckled and bent his head to kiss Harry gently on the lips, ignoring the gasps that sounded again. "If that's the case we had best get dressed then, hmm?"

Harry nodded and slid from the rough stone platform. He found his shirt pooled under the ledge and pulled it on. Since he was technically a prisoner, even if the guards respected him, Harry had no socks, just plain shoes that were well insulated against the frigidity of the prison's stone floors. He slipped them on to his feet as he simultaneously shook his robe out from its pillowed shape and pulled it over his head.

He caught Rabastan's hand and the couple walked to the front of the cell. Ginny was staring at their interlocked fingers with tears in her eyes, overshadowing a glare of betrayal. Ron looked constipated. Hermione was eyeing Rabastan and the empty cell a few places down the hall. Sirius, Harry's godfather, looked disgusted, and Dumbledore… Dumbledore looked like the bumbling old fool he was to agree to send Harry to Azkaban.

"What is this?" Sirius asked loudly. Harry knew Rabastan was frowning, but he shifted sideways into his lover's side.

"I'm gay?"

"You don't say," Ron replied.

Rabastan let loose a chuckle, causing the majority of eyes to glare at him. "What?" he asked innocently.

"And how did you get in this cell?" Hermione questioned, eyeing the depilated man.

Harry explained. "You see, the dementors really appreciate my skills in Parseltongue and persuasion, and came to respect me. Respect from dementors is gifted with this handy-dandy cloak that allows a person to walk through the wards and the cell bars. Thus, I exit the cell, walk down the aisle to Rabastan's cell, pass him the cloak, and we walk back to mine. It all works out."

"That is leaving out quite a large amount of information," Rabastan reminded Harry, whispering the sentence in the teen's ear.

Harry shrugged in response, uncaring of how much he edited. The dementors that had a strong grasp on English hissed, and their fellow understood as one translated for it.

+What, is it not true?+ he asked them. The hoods twitched from side to side as the dementors disagreed, but the hissing stopped.

Ginny glared at Harry and spoke for the first time. "How could you be gay? We're supposed to get married and have a bunch of children!"

Harry was, frankly, surprised. "When was I going to be let in on these plans?"

Her eyes filled with tears, and she hid her face in her brother's shoulder. Harry and Rabastan shared a look that resulted in Harry shrugging his shoulders, clueless.

He resumed eye contact with Dumbledore. "Am I really free then, Albus?" The man's white head bowed positively.

+Could you bring Rabastan through the cell door for me?+ he asked one of the guards. The one that had warned the two of the impending humans agreed and held out its arms for Rabastan to step in to. "Let's go then!" Harry exclaimed. He easily walked through the door and was soon followed by Rabastan.

"Why is _he _loose?" Sirius questioned. "Do you realize that he was imprisoned for torturing the Longbottoms to insanity?"

Both Harry and Rabastan were surprised with the news. "So that's what they're calling it these days," Rabastan mused. He hadn't seen the outside of the prison in fourteen years.

"It's what you did, I don't see why it would be called anything different," Hermione said.

Harry shrugged. "Eh, it doesn't matter. All they need is a Reversal Spell spoken in Parseltongue and they'll be fine again. Now, let's go get the in-laws, shall we?"

Silence followed Harry and Rabastan down the hall. They turned a corner and continued walking the aisle. At the end of the row was a darkened cell.

With Harry's freedom, the chains on his magic disappeared. He could finally touch his magic again, for the first time since the escape of Sirius and the death of Pettigrew. With an evil smirk, Harry's magic burst into flame that sat on the palm of his hand. He stuck the hand through the cells to illuminate the twined forms of Rodolphus and Bellatrix.

"Wakey, wakey, we're free!" he called loudly, disturbing the sleeping couple.

"Shut-up, Harry," Bellatrix called back. She burrowed her face into her husband's shoulder as the man spat her curly hair from his mouth.

Harry frowned. "I'll set the dementors on you," he threatened. A surge of movement had Harry expel his lantern and turning from the cell. He really didn't want to watch his brother- and sister-in-law get dressed. Rabastan was all the naked flesh he needed.

"We're finally free," Harry told Rabastan with a giant smile upon his face. The teen may not have been in Azkaban as long as the other man had, and he may have had an easier time as the dementors respected him enough not to feed on his happiness, but Harry really hated confined spaces after his childhood with the Dursleys.

"I'll get to see the outside for the first time in nearly fifteen years," Rabastan breathed out.

Harry smiled gently at the man and took up his hand. "Well let's get going outside then, shall we?"

His lover smiled down at Harry, and the two followed one of the three dementors to the surface as the other two remained behind to pull Rodolphus and Bellatrix from their cell, as well as guard the wandering eyes of the free people.

"Hmm," Harry mused.

"What is it?"

"I don't remember going down stairs when I arrived; they must have knocked me out or something."

Rabastan's face twisted into something strange as he tried to bring forth the memory of his admittance. He shrugged uncaringly. "I don't remember if I knew. All I know is that it was quite cold in the nights before you came along," he said as he wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders in an awkward side-hug. The arm dropped and they walked side-by-side.

Since it was quite early in the morning, the other hundreds of prisoners were still asleep, and thus did not see the passing of the two groups. Bella and Rudo's guards lightly fed off of the happiness the other five people emitted, knowing that their Duane would want for them to associate bad memories with the prison. They were quite happy to have their donor, Black, back, even if it would only be for a few more minutes.

The group entered the main hall of the prison some time later, coming face-to-face with giant stone doors. The dementor guards were about to pull them open when Dumbledore told them to stop. Their hissing told Harry they didn't like having to follow the orders of a mere human.

"Only Harry is meant to be free; I think you are under the wrong assumption if you are walking out of here today," the man told Rabastan, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix. Harry glowered.

Dumbledore's wand rose in the air to stun the ex-prisoners, only to be stopped by a screeching hiss from Harry, along with the restraint of his arms by a dementor that glided out from the shadows.

"They're in Azkaban for torturing two people into insanity, Harry; what are you doing protecting them?" Dumbledore asked, his aged voice sounding disappointed.

Harry snorted at the man. More dementors appeared from the shadows to make sure the other four 'guests' did nothing to harm their Duane and his lover. "Oh, please, Rabastan explained everything to me before we slept together. Did no one think to use Veritaserum on the Lestranges, or did you just examine the spell residue and snap the wands?" Once again, the words, 'Much like you did mine?' went unsaid.

Rabastan told the group, "Blame Alecto and Amycus Carrow; those twins were with us and froze us without our Lord's orders. Then they used our wands, though I'm unsure how considering our wands were supposed to be blood-bonded…."

"There, you see, Harry? He's spouting off Dark nonsense, talking about his lord and blood-magic!" The old man was panting in his exertion to get Harry to believe him.

Harry waved the man's comment away and leaned into Rabastan's shoulder. His arm wrapped around Harry's waist, comforting warmth at his back. "He's my husband, and he's coming with me. They," he said, gesturing to Rudo and Bella, "are the in-laws; they get their Golden Ticket as well."

Hermione was the only one to catch the reference. She snickered, but regretted it immediately when she was glared at by Ginny.

"We can annul your so-called marriage, Harry. You must have been coerced into it, just as you were into being gay by that nasty man!" Ginny squeaked in extreme happiness. She grabbed for Harry's arm to pull herself to his slim body.

The ex-prisoner easily pushed the redhead girl away. "I think not," he spat, looking down on her trembling frame. Though Harry was short, he was still a few inches taller than the Weasley chit. "Besides, the dementors blessed us, so the bond's eternal, just as we wanted it. They went over Rudo and Bella's marriage bond, too.

Harry twisted the fingers of his husband's left hand with his and held them out for the group to see the rings. They looked like they were made of braded wire, each matching the opposite's hair color, with a burgundy jewel set in the center.

The gasps resonated in the arched hall. Harry merely shrugged at Rabastan's annoyed look, the man mainly wondering why the teen would share all that information with the people trying to separate them. The dementors, too, were quite frustrated, though with the fact Harry willingly shared their secrets.

"Well, that's easy enough to pull off," Hermione said, taking a step toward Harry. A dementor silently approached her and started to drink from her wells of happy memories. Hermione trembled, Harry smirked, and Dumbledore frowned.

"It's not that easy when you're bonded as we are," the teen told the outsiders. With one hand, he yanked the robe covering his left arm up to his elbow, displaying ghostly grey characters. They curved all around his hand and forearm, and were left open on the pinky-finger side of his arm. The same hand was used to pull the left sleeve of Rabastan's robe up, displaying the grey characters that completed the design when lined up, left side of faced-up palm to inner elbow. Rabastan's tattoo was interwoven with the black Dark Mark, stark in comparison.

Sirius' shaggy black head shook when he saw the marks, recognizing them as dark magic and as marriage vows from his childhood. The man retreated from the crowd and the dementors let him pass once they opened the doors. A faint crack of Apparition was heard from outside the keep a few moments later.

"Well that's one person off this island. How about four more?" Rudo questioned. Harry's lips quirked into an unamused smile.

+I pray I'll be welcome here in the future?+ Harry asked the dementors grouped around the cluster of wizards and witches.

+Of course, Duane, even if it is for entertainment. May the bond and gift serve you well,+ the head dementor spoke. It was the most malevolent of the dementors that guarded Azkaban, as it was the first of the race in the human world. Other dementors played the grim reaper, bringing the souls they sucked into the Underworld. The gift it spoke of was parts of a dead dementor shrunken and sewn into the hem of Harry's robe, intended to make new wands for each of the four prisoners.

Harry bowed lowly to the master dementor, receiving a dipped head in return. "Shall we?" Harry asked his new family. He extended an elbow to his husband, and the man hooked their arms together.

"We shall," Bellatrix replied, hooking arms with her own husband. The couples gracefully walked from the hall, the dementors parting before them and closing on the left-behind witches and wizards.

+Have your fun with them,+ Harry told the dementors before leaving the building entirely. He left, and heard the high-pitched scream of Ginny Weasley as the dementors started to barter on which got the souls.

Harry smiled, baring his teeth, as he heard the screams. Elbows hooked together, Harry and Rabastan stepped into the sun of a new day, and of a new life. Welcome to the dark, Harry Potter-Lestrange.

* * *

(1) Brunet - masculine form of brunette

I'm not entirely sure how this story came to be...only that it involved the card game of BS, the Lestranges, the dementors, and the first few lines. After that, everything just flowed. So, as it flowed while you read the story, I hope it flows as you press that damn review button.

~Deso

Edited 6 June 2010


	2. Revenge

**Title:** Mostly Twitching

**Author:** SweetlyDesolated

**Chapter Warnings:** slash and het, sex, language, violence, mutilation, insane people, death

**Author's Note:** I am really rather proud of myself! I managed to write all of this in two days!

_Italicized text – thoughts_

+text+_ – _Parseltongue

* * *

"It's lovely to be back, my Lord," Bellatrix said. She tumbled out of her husband's clingy grasp to fall to her knees before Lord Voldemort.

Harry, face tucked against Rabastan's neck, grinned at his sister-in-law's enthusiasm. One of his eyes twitched, the one that was easily viewed by the watchers.

Rodolphus glared at Harry and his brother, and bent down to gather his wife once again. He gripped her left hand in his, lining their braided rings with jewels up. It caught her attention and Bella leaned back against her husband, though her twisted smile was still all for her Lord. It was wonderful to be back.

Harry stepped out of Rabastan's grip and offered his right hand to Voldemort. "Hi, I'm Harry Lestrange, nice to meet you!"

The Dark Lord stared at the petite man before him and warily stretched his own hand out to shake a greeting. "Lord Voldemort," he murmured back. The man cast a glance over Pot-_Lestrange's_ shoulder to the boy's husband. His expression was puzzled and Rabastan just shrugged.

"Wanna play BS?" Harry asked the snake-like man.

Voldemort questioned P-_Lestrange's _sanity and carefully retracted his hand. Maybe Harry – yes, that worked a lot nicer – had been in Azkaban too long under the dementors influence.

It was then the hall of Voldemort's manor chilled; it seemed that all the joy in the place was sucked out. The few Death Eaters on the fringe of the room cringed and pushed back against the stone walls, as if that would make everything better.

The new Lestrange, though, just grinned and happily bounced on the balls of his feet. His husband had no feelings evident on his face. Bellatrix was becoming involved with Rudo, too preoccupied to bother with the sudden temperature drop.

Voldemort shivered as he leaned back in his throne-of-sorts. His spidery hands rose from their place on his lap to run up and down his arms, trying to soothe away the goose bumps. "What is that?" he wondered aloud.

Rabastan stared back at him curiously. "It's the dementors, my Lord. It seems they bored of Azkaban and decided to follow Harry to you."

Following the man's statement, the doors to the hall blew open, effectively sending chills down the very few still-composed people – save those fresh from prison. A dark, cloaked figure was the first to enter. The only sound it made was the hissing of its cape across the stone floor and the deep, panting breaths as it drank down the Death Eater's twisted happiness.

+Duane,+ it spoke.

Voldemort was shocked. The dementors knew Parseltongue? Why hadn't he known that! He had tried to barter with the infuriating creatures for years, and they never did anything other than Kiss whomever he gifted them!

+Hello, Rais!+ Harry replied cheerfully. He jauntily walked around his husband and approached the dementor, surrounded by a few more of its people. +I thought you were all going to stay at Azkaban,+ he stated.

The dementor shrugged, if it was even possible. +We got bored, and none of the other prisoners are as entertaining as you four were. There are still some of us there, but only the ones still near infancy, who require constant emotions.+

Harry grinned again, which seemed to cause his eyelids to tremble once more. A twitch, Voldemort reasoned, would come from one imprisoned so young. Although, it did not appear to have a negative effect on the wizard before him.

Rabastan smirked at his husband's infective happiness and drew a well-worn deck of cards from an inner pocket of his much-abused robe. "Look at what I have, Harry!"

The expression on his husband's face brightened, if it was at all possible. Harry snatched the deck of cards from Rabastan's hand and twisted down to the ground. He immediately set to shuffling the cards. Harry asked, "Who wants to play?" He pouted when he saw it was only his husband and in-laws, along with Rais and a couple other dementors. The teen dealt to the seven and watched from the corner of his eye as a few of the creatures wandered about the hall, slowly leeching the positive emotions from the others gathered.

The three dementors settled down to the floor, along with Bella, Rudo, and Rabastan. Their dark eye sockets glinted with an odd internal cheerfulness, one that even Harry couldn't begin to describe.

"Why me?" Voldemort muttered as he glanced around his hall. The arrival of the ex-Potter brought along the end of his obvious leadership, even in his own manor! It just wasn't right. He settled back into his comfortable throne and tilted his head to watch the strange game going on between the ex-prisoners and the old guards of Azkaban.

Eventually, Bella made the first move, sliding one card onto the empty center of the circle. She crowed, "Ace of spades," her jeering laughter at Harry's downtrodden expression filling the hall.

Rudo declared, "Two two's," and was happy no-one called him on it, especially as it was a bluff.

Harry translated, "A three," for the dementor. His own cards were two fours, which he easily slid onto the growing pile, a confident smile gracing his face.

Rabastan's claim, two fives, was quickly shot down by the man's husband and his cry of "Bull shit!"

"I hate you, Harry," the man said mildly as he gathered the pile and added it to his hand. He spat, "Cheat," to his brother once he saw the man's other card was a seven, rather than a two. The man smirked at him.

The cards went around the circle, with Rodolphus picking up the pile as he incorrectly called out Harry's jack when the sixteen-year-old's (1) eye twitched.

Voldemort quickly grew bored with watching the game. He stood from his throne, mumbling about the mentally retarded (2) and easily distracted ex-prisoners. He called out, "Dismissed," to his followers and glided from his throne hall, a pinched expression on his snake-like features. The Death Eaters tripped over one-another to escape the trembling effects of the dementors. The fact that Harry Potter, of all people, had gone dark and married none other than Rabastan Lestrange swept from their minds.

Snape's face was pale as he watched everything Dumbledore had striven for come crashing down. After imprisonment in Azkaban since he was thirteen, when it was his wand that had cast the final curse to Pettigrew, Harry Potter should have been a mess. Severus wondered just where Dumbledore was, for he had not seen the man in ages; no Order of the Phoenix meetings this summer made his work load amazingly easier, but he was still curious.

Snape leaned against the wall and enforced his Occlumency barriers to keep his emotions bland and away from the dementors. The creatures playing _cards_ with the three Lestranges was shocking enough, but to see Potter, now Lestrange, mixed in with the crowd was…different and unexpected to say the least. He shook his head, greasy hair tangling from the motion.

He shivered from the chill in the room and tucked his black cloak tighter around him. After his own stay in Azkaban – he still flinched at the thought of those few weeks – he was unsure how the quartet had stayed sane. Maybe it was Potter and his gift with Parseltongue, for the dementors seemed to be under his control. And they were tame as well, considering frustrated hissing was coming from under the three cowls as Bellatrix discarded the last of her hand with a cheerful smirk.

It was Potter's next motion that really brought the house down around Severus's ears. The boy – eye twitch included – whipped out a wand and pointed it at Rodolphus, who seemed ready to jump his brother. The wand was pale and smooth, glinting in the dull light. Just from looking at it brought a feeling of intense doom to Snape and he closed his eyes, tipping his head back against the firm stone wall bracing his body.

"Let it go, Rudo," Harry proclaimed. His grip on his dementor-bone wand was steady as he pointed it at his brother-in-law. The motion was what kept the elder man from jumping Harry's husband. Harry had about had it with their fighting and the constant bickering between the two.

Rabastan grinned as Rodolphus swallowed, his eyes widening in slight fear as he was faced with the deadly wand of an equally deadly teenager. He gasped when Harry's elbow slammed into his gut, ramming the air out of his lungs. "What was that for?" Rabastan croaked as one arm went to ward off any coming blows and the other wrapped around his now-tender middle.

"You're just making things worse at this point," he said, keeping his wand trained on Rudo. Bellatrix was off to the side shuffling the cards and cackling at the misfortune of her in-law and husband.

+Take him away for now?+ Rais questioned. Its soul-sucking powers were stronger now that the creature was out of guarding Azkaban with its depressed occupants.

Harry tilted his head to the side. +Take both and drop them in their room. Then go terrorize a town for fun, but make sure not to Kiss anyone but the prisoners in jail.+

The group of dementors hissed happily. Rudo glared at Harry as his arms were heisted behind him and he was dragged to his feet. One lower dementor tucked him into his cloak, which could break through even the most defensive wards, as another grabbed Bella. Rais bowed to Harry with a respectful +Duane+ as its goodbye.

The dementors filtered through the walls, which brought Harry's attention to the lack of Death Eaters and Dark Lord. The only people in the hall were Rabastan, what seemed to be Snape, and him.

Harry's eye twitched as he gathered the dropped deck of cards, slid them together, and neatly tucked them away. He stood and meandered to his old professor. "So, Severus," he started.

The man glared.

Harry grinned. _I love my life,_ he thought. "Seen Dumbledore lately?"

Snape was wary. Just what did Potter know? "No I have not, Mr. Potter."

His face fell. And then he shot the Glare of Death by Harry © to the Potions Master. "Lestrange, Severus, Harry Lestrange. Not Potter; I got rid of that tag-a-long when my wand was finished." He pulled out the smooth wand of bone and caressed the thirteen-inch length reverently. With a shake of his head and a muttered curse for his easy distraction, Harry tucked it into his sleeve once more. "Good luck finding the man then. I have to say I am quite glad to be rid of him."

Rabastan stepped forward, winding one arm around his little husband's waist and commenting with a smile, "Of course you're glad. It's your fault he, Granger, and the two little Weasleys are without souls."

Harry grinned up at him. "They like me! Besides, I spilled their secrets; the four couldn't have gone with their knowledge."

"And yet," Rabastan sighed, shaking his head, "you let Black walk free."

Harry shrugged and pulled his lover away from a slightly dumbfounded Snape. "He realized our vows are eternal. Not much I could do about that. Besides, he hasn't once bothered us, and it appears he never bothered to inform anyone else of what happened."

Somewhere in London, secure in his dreaded ancestral home, Sirius Black shivered and held his butter beer closer to his chest. He shifted closer to the fire, burning even in August.

Meanwhile, Rabastan smiled fondly. Harry hugged him and split from his husband. "I'm gonna go find someone to entertain me. Find out what's been happening from Severus?" he asked.

Lestrange pouted. "Is that all I'm good for now-a-days, information gathering?"

"Nope," Harry commented. He reached for his husband and tugged him down to his level, and then proceeded to ravish the older man's mouth passionately.

Rabastan pulled his husband into his arms, slightly lifting to ease the height difference. Eventually, they broke the kiss, both with slight hard-ons and very ruffled appearances. "See ya around," Harry murmured lightly.

He spun around, breaking his husband's grip, and pranced from the hall. Rabastan was left facing a much paler Snape who was having a hard time controlling his shock. "That's Harry for you," Rabastan explained, which wasn't much of an explanation at all.

Harry, on the other hand, was happy and cheerful as he gaily (3) skipped through the halls of the most feared Dark Lord of this century's manor. "Oh, Mister Dark Lord Voldemort, come out, come out, where ever you are!" he shouted.

Somewhere on the opposite side of his manor, Lord Voldemort shivered with a growing feeling of despair. It had started when he saw the Lestranges, and continued to get larger with each thing Harry Potter-_Lestrange_ said. Now, he had a horrible sense of foreboding, and thought that just maybe Divination wasn't such a terrible subject after all.

Voldemort's giant, white snake Nagini was _not happy_ when her sleep in a very nice sun spot just inside the manor was disturbed. When the calls continued, she hissed, her speech full of murder, and slowly uncoiled her body and set out to find and _bite_ the perpetrator of her beauty sleep's disturbance. She couldn't believe her luck when the voice grew in volume as the person crying out for her master came closer and closer.

When the male, a young man at that, was just around the corner and so very close in reach of her strong jaws and poisonous fangs, Nagini lunged. She fell short and harrumphed in dislike. And then wished she had _something_ to block out the vibrations from the voice quickly increasing in excitement. Then, it started speaking in Parseltongue and she couldn't find it in her to care any longer.

+Oh, a pretty snake! Such a pretty snake. I want to hold you.+

Nagini hissed out a faint gasp as her upper coils were suddenly lifted by surprisingly strong, bony arms and she was cradled to a somewhat-warm, equally-bony chest. Only when the scales behind her head were itched in just the right way did she calm. A lazy contraction of her muscles flicked the last few feet of her body from the floor and around this strange, new human.

He smelled like Harry Potter. Nagini hissed her displeasure. When the silly young man turned around and started to run with her, the snake tightened her body in fright and held on for dear life. Luckily, he was going in the direction of her master's hall, so she breathed out a sigh of relief that went unnoticed.

"Rabastan, look it what I found!" Harry screamed joyously when he entered the hall at a fast trot. Snape paled once again while Rabastan limited himself to rolling his eyes at his idiot of a husband. Maybe Azkaban fucked with his mind more than he thought. After all, early teenage years were key for development, and Harry had spent them locked in a dingy cell. He had that twitch still, and it was slightly concerning that it hadn't disappeared in the five weeks the quartet had been free.

+Shut up!+ Nagini screamed in furious hisses. She wriggled her body around until she could slide out of the human's grip. The ground was cold. Angrily, Nagini worked all of her muscles, quickly slithering off to find her master to complain about the new idiot occupying his manor.

Rabastan sighed and cradled his face in cupped palms. "You're an idiot, Harry. That's the Dark Lord's snake, Nagini."

Harry pouted and stomped his foot. "I want a snake," Harry told Rabastan childishly. Yep, he was definitely fucked up.

"You have the dementors! Why do you want a snake?" he asked, slightly astounded.

Harry shrugged. "It would be fun."

Lestrange sighed. Harry's eye twitched at the sound and he glared at his husband. "I'm gonna go and attempt to find the Dark Lord again. Don't disturb," he said forcefully.

It was Rabastan's turn to pout. Unless he sufficiently distracted Harry later, he wasn't getting any tonight. When Harry was gone, the man turned to a silently contemplating Severus and stated, "Azkaban fucked up his mind. Dammit, now there are two crazy people in the family!"

Snape coughed, and Rabastan could have sworn he heard the word, "Four," in there.

Severus was given the Glare of Death by Rabastan ©, which seemed to be more potent than the man's husband's glare. _It's going to be a long day,_ the dour Potions Master thought.

Harry was following the irate hissing of Nagini, whom he figured was slithering strait to her master. It was just his luck that his figures worked out. A long walk later brought him to a plain door adorned with a small cat-flap-thing at the bottom. Rather than knock, Harry barged in. The door slammed against the wall and the teen hurriedly jumped out of the way from the rebounding wooden obstacle. He turned and glared at the door, which started to smoke ominously.

Voldemort distracted him with a firm, "Harrumph," and the door remained in tact.

Harry smiled serenely at the man. His expression brightened when he heard the irked hissing of Nagini, who was sliding out of sight, going off into Voldemort's elaborate rooms. The teen was disappointed, but made himself comfortable on one of the couches. This room was filled with two couches, one lounge chair, and Voldemort's desk. Books lined the walls and a fire burned merrily in the fireplace opposite the door in which Harry entered. Voldemort had a quill in his hand as he sat at the wood desk piled high with what looked to be reports. He frowned, displeased, at Harry, who then toed off his shoes and stretched out on his back, ankles crossed and arms supporting his head.

"So-o-o-o," Harry said. His eyes shifted back and forth across the ceiling suspiciously. "How'd you get a body?" This time, his emerald eyes zeroed in on the Dark Lord; the man seriously resisted the urge to shiver, and wondered how many brain cells Rabastan had lost in order for him to shack up with this teenager.

Voldemort replied, "Blood of an enemy, bone of my father, and flesh of an ally." He glared at Harry's happy expression.

"You must have done something wrong, in order to miss out on a nose and hair," the teen taunted.

The man mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?" Harry questioned icily.

Voldemort sighed in exasperation and spun his chair back to the paperwork. Maybe if he ignored Harry, the teen would go away and leave him in peace.

He was still trying in vain to think positively fifteen minutes later while Harry built a card tower on the low serving table placed before his couch.

A shouted, "Dammit," had Voldemort looking over his shoulder. He hissed in pain as he jerked a nerve, but smiled at the petulant expression on Harry's face as the teen assessed his collapsed tower.

Harry caught the man's glee and jumped up from his seat on the couch. He dragged Voldemort, chair and all, to the table and set to work shuffling and splitting the deck. Thirteen minutes later had Voldemort's hand considerably smaller as Harry's cards beat each one of his in a childish game of War.

Voldemort was developing a twitch of his own, much to his annoyance. He growled and chucked his cards at Harry. The teen cheered and threw his hand into the air. "Fifty-two pick-up!" The Dark Lord stared in dismay and slowly started to wheel his chair back to his desk. He buried his nose in his mountains of paperwork and hoped to someone out there that Harry would leave, soon.

A tentative Rabastan answered his prayers. The man casually entered his Lord's room, glancing around cautiously as he searched for signs of destruction that would indicate his Lord's ire and his lover's stupidity. The fact that Lord Voldemort was scribbling across many documents while Harry rolled on the floor, surrounded by cards, was a little worrying, but Rabastan shrugged the feeling off. "_Accio_ cards," he muttered, and held his hand out as the things jumped from the ground and neatly organized themselves in his hands.

The cards were tucked away and the man approached his young husband. "Let's go, Harry. I think our Lord is preoccupied at this time," he told Harry as he crouched to be on his lover's level.

Harry splayed on his back, head tilted and eyes focused on Rabastan. "Yeah, sure, okay, let us leave the Super Evil Guy to his paperwork."

Rabastan slowly stood, gently pulled Harry to his feet, bowed to the Dark Lord, and hurriedly left the room. Voldemort could have sworn there was a breeze that followed them out, but pushed the thought from mind and concentrated on his work. _Everything will get better eventually,_ he thought.

Meanwhile, Rabastan side-Apparated Harry to their house. The upstairs was filled with the passionate cries of Rudo and Bella, so the couple headed to the basement, where they started their own chorus of pleasured screams.

When finished, Harry rolled on his side and faced Rabastan. "Do you think it worked?" he asked carefully.

Rabastan flipped from his back to his side, one hand rising to tenderly cup Harry's cheek. "Did what work?" he responded curiously.

"Me, today, with the Dark Lord. Did it work?"

"What do you mean?" Rabastan was confused, to say the least.

Harry closed his eyes and murmured, "I thought if I acted mental enough, He wouldn't use me like Dumbledore did."

"Oh," his lover returned. At Harry's downfallen expression, he snaked his arm over his husband's waist and pulled Harry against his chest. "I think," he started, "you might have pulled it off. You acted fucked up before Snape, whose words and memories will only add to the Dark Lord's own impression of you. It was well enough that even I didn't realize that your actions were intentional. I thought your arrival and facedown with our Lord finished the breakdown of your mind from Azkaban."

Harry grinned and pushed until he was lying on Rabastan, his head pillowed on the man's chest with his legs spread to lie comfortably over the man. Rabastan pulled the sheets up over their slowly cooling bodies and wrapped his arms securely around his husband's waist.

"I'm glad I was proven wrong, my little love," he whispered sometime later.

Harry's smile was sweet as he pressed a gentle kiss to the flesh under his cheek. "Love you too."

The next morning dawned bright and early for the lovers, though Harry had plans to fix that. After a lovely shower together, the duo went upstairs for breakfast with the rest of their quirky family. Rabastan and Rodolphus exchanged equally sated glances, quickly broken by Harry's proclamation: "I have decided to go Muggle Hunting today. Who would like to join me?"

Bellatrix waved her arm in the air as she bounced excitedly in her chair. "Me! Me, pick me Harry! I always enjoy a good Muggle hunt!"

"That's one. Any other takers?" Harry questioned the others in the kitchen.

Rudo assessed his wife and decided it was in his best interests to join in the fun. Rabastan wasn't far behind at a threatening glance from Harry. "Terrific!" the teen exclaimed. "We leave in ten."

Rabastan barely had enough time to scarf down the rest of his food and pull on a new set of robes. Thank Merlin for owl-order, or the Lestranges would be stuck in their clothes from prison. He joined Harry at the front of the house and waited as the teen cast parseltongue-locked glamours on the others. Now, they all looked like nondescript people one would find anywhere in either world, as their clothing was casual and lacking robes.

Bellatrix called the Knight Bus and the quartet loaded on, seating themselves at a table in the back. The jerking of the bus went unnoticed; other passengers appraised the four from the corners of their eyes. The glamours may have masked their features, but nothing could dim the look of insanity inhabiting Bellatrix's eyes, nor hide the anticipation of revenge in Harry's.

A small town called Little Whinging was the destination of the plainly disguised group. The conductor let them off with a cheerful farewell. Harry glanced around once the bus was gone. It was different, being here three years later. The last time was just before third year, and now he would technically be entering sixth, if not for the tiny issue of prison.

Harry pushed the last thought from his mind and searched for something – anything, really – that would tell him what he wanted to know. The street sign perched at the end of the sidewalk brought a grin to his face and he set off to the left. The other Lestranges followed him, wondering just what Muggle Hunting Harry was going to do here, in the middle of a "decent" neighborhood.

Privet Drive was filled with cookie cutter houses and outdoor cats looking extremely similar to kneazles. The houses passed by quickly – numbers eight, six, and finally four. Harry stopped suddenly before the last, almost causing Rabastan to bowl him over. The teen didn't acknowledge the man's harried apology; his attention was completely focused on this plain house.

A mad grin overtook his features and he marched up the walk. Rabastan sighed and followed dutifully behind his little husband. The teen poked repeatedly at a button, which sent a tune flitting through the house. The door pulled open, displaying an exasperated woman, just as Bella and Rudo finished advancing up the walk.

"Hello," Harry greeted cheerfully.

"How can I help you?" the thin, horse-like woman asked, sneering down her nose, even though the elder Lestrange men were taller than her.

Harry shouldered the woman aside and entered the house. The woman cried out, affronted, behind him. She glanced around hurriedly when Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at her. "In, quickly now. Don't let anyone see you," the woman gasped, holding her door for the other three.

Still quite confused, the Lestranges entered. The door slammed shut behind them and was secured with a dead bolt. Harry was gone, having paced through the hallway and into the main living space on the first floor. Nothing had changed from when he was thirteen, he noticed.

"Who are you, and what do you want?" the woman demanded as she entered her kitchen.

A word muttered in Parseltongue cancelled the glamour the four wore and the woman paled considerably. "Hello, Aunt Petunia. Don't you remember me, your dear nephew?" Harry asked innocently.

Rabastan held back his choked laughter at the expression the large green eyes held as the teen gazed at the woman. A little peal of laughter slipped through his tightly pressed lips when Harry's eye twitched, which caused the woman to jump slightly.

"Why are you here?" Petunia questioned as she slowly moved away from the teen she hadn't seen in three years, and good riddance!

Harry shrugged. "I escaped from Azkaban. Do you remember Sirius Black? He escaped from there too."

His Aunt Petunia was quite pale; her long boned frame was trembling and she glanced around sporadically, as if hoping someone would come and find her before her rebel of a nephew harmed her.

"So now we're here for Muggle Hunting. It's quite a wonderful sport, one I think you'll appreciate."

Petunia fainted; Harry watched with wide eyes as her body fell to the tiled floor. "That looked kind of painful, don't you think?"

"Yep," Bella agreed. She pulled out her slightly curved wand, made from a rib of the dead dementor, and transfigured the woman into a small animal, which she then stuck in a conjured cage from Rudo. Bellatrix's wand had a core of dementor heart strings, which was helpful in transfiguration and killing curses.

Harry's wand was the radial bone of the same dementor, with a core of blood, breath, and skin. It was good for many things, though Harry mainly focused on charms and a few defense spells.

Rabastan had his own wand, the body of which was the thinned thigh bone of the dementor. Its core was ashes of the dementor's cloak, which enabled him precise skills with warding.

The last Lestrange, Rodolphus, had a wand made from fused finger bones. His core was the flesh of the dementor's stomach, where the souls were collected and digested. His strength was in binding, physical and magical, and conjuring items.

"And now, we wait," Harry commented. He advanced through the room and reclined on a couch. Rabastan came over and sat on Harry's stomach, only to find himself shucked to the floor. His sister and brother laughed at the glare he gave a mildly pleased Harry.

The four magical people didn't have to wait long for the next person to arrive. Dudley slammed the front door open, calling, "Mum!"

Bellatrix cackled loudly, which brought the fat boy into the kitchen and then the living room.

"Who are you?" he asked warily. The fat boy attempted to flatten his body back against the wall when Harry pulled out his wand and ran fingers down the bone; he only succeeded in spreading his flab over more space.

Bellatrix transfigured him into a hamster, one who attempted to run away but was too fat to do anything but roll.

Harry summoned it and placed it inside the cage. The critter chattered angrily at Harry, who glared and stuck it on the hamster wheel. A swift flick of his wrist had the wheel spinning madly; the squealing sounds of the boy-rat on the wheel filled the room.

Harry's eye twitched and he laughed through parted, smiling lips.

The teen vaguely remembered his uncle would return home from work at about five. "We have loads of time before the third Muggle is back. What should we do?" he said to his husband, emerald eyes wide with fake innocence.

Rabastan smirked and stood from the floor, where he had remained. He pushed his arms under Harry and cradled the teen to his chest. Rather than go somewhere else, the man dumped the teen to the floor and stole the couch. He lounged back on it and closed his eyes.

Bellatrix's crazy laughter faded as she and Rudo moved in the house. They found the staircase to the upper floor and slammed a door behind them as they entered another room.

Harry lazily stood up and straddled his husband's lap, pressing small hands against the man's chest. "Are you sure that's all you want to do?" Harry rocked his hips a few times and ground down on the man.

Rabastan grabbed for Harry's hips and pulled the teen harder against him. "I can be persuaded to do other things," he replied with a lust-filled grin.

"Very good," Harry told him, slowly unbuttoning his robes and letting the fabric drop to the floor. The fact that his aunt, who had finally woken from her faint, and his cousin, both animals and locked in a cage, could watch what they were doing had no effect on him. Maybe he had a little exhibitionism kink.

They lounged, naked, on the couch a while later. A glance to the clock on the fireplace's mantle had Harry saying, "Not long now. Want another go?"

Rabastan's eyes had Harry's eye twitching; it seemed like the man was fucking him with sight alone, rather than physically doing the nasty.

Vernon entered his house soon after. "Pet, I'm home!" He was curious as to the lack of dinner scents floating through the house, so he waddled his obese form through the hall and glanced around the kitchen curiously. Where was his loyal wife?

A moan off to the side had Dursley turn his head. His face brightened to red as he took in the sight of an elder, slightly emaciated man shove his cock up the arse of a thin teen positioned on his hands and knees. On the living room couch. Vernon was disgusted.

His face darkened to plum as bright, ecstasy-filled green eyes caught his own beady brown ones. Vernon felt as if he was about to hurl when the man grabbed the teen's hips harshly and jerked him back, causing the teen to throw his head back with a pleasured almost-scream.

Vernon growled, "What are you do –"

He was cut off by the elder man shushing him and holding a finger to his lips. "Shush, we're not done yet."

Dursley's hatred grew as their pace picked up until the elder man was fucking the teen nearly through the cushions. He was infuriated! Of all the things he could come home to, seeing this – two _men_ fucking on his sofa – was not what he wanted! He wanted his perfectly lovely wife, his wonderful, healthy son, and dinner on the table! Was that too much to ask for?

The squeaking of two _things_ drew the voyeur from the men to a small cage. In it was a very thin, almost starved creature, and one obese hamster slumped on a running wheel. This was too much. "Get OUT of my house!" he screamed.

Or, attempted to scream. His voice was gone, or it was overcome by the screaming of the coming teenager and the man as they reached completion together. Vernon fainted at the sight of sperm on his sofa. He loved that sofa.

Rabastan and Harry slowly came down from their high. Harry was grinning under his husband as he took in the sight of his uncle lying prone on the floor. Payback was quite nice, and was even better with his lover.

The man pulled out of Harry and spelled the sweat off of his body before dressing. Harry lazily cleaned the come out of his arse and off the much-abused sofa. He slipped into his discarded clothes and sprayed water from his wand on the fat man.

Vernon awoke, spluttering. His beady eyes opened and he gasped in fright as he stared up the length of a pale white wand, enclosed in the hand of the teenager. For some reason, seeing the teen dressed, he looked quite like his nephew, who ran away when he was thirteen. His life was simpler after that.

Dursley could do nothing as a woman appeared over him, a bent wand clasped in her own hand. He was suddenly growing smaller. That, or the duo above him was getting bigger. He screamed in agitation, only for it to come out as an infuriated squeak. This day just kept getting worse and worse.

His eye twitched _again_ as he listened to the squeaking of the jumbo hamster on the floor. He picked it up, cringing at the unhealthy weight of the critter, and tossed it into the cage his husband held.

"Well, that's it!" Harry exclaimed. "Let's go irritate the Dark Lord."

It was then Bella felt the burning of her dark mark. Really, it was a coincidence. "Oh, he's calling a meeting!" She touched her wand to the mark and left with the crack of apparition. Rudo glowered at the empty spot next to him, before baring his own mark and pressing his jointed wand to it.

"Come on, Harry. I'll Apparate you there," Rabastan said, holding his arm out to his husband. Harry grinned and took both his arm and the cage. They disappeared.

Harry tugged his hood over his head, throwing his face into shadows, as he and Rabastan appeared in the manor filled with other Death Eaters. "It's my lucky day!" Harry called out. Rabastan rolled his eyes and tugged the smaller male behind him. His own face was behind a weakly conjured Death Eater mask; he'd have Rudo make him another when they entered the hall, since the remaining two Lestranges were already gone.

Harry broke out of his husband's hold when they entered the same hall as the day before. "Mister Scary Scaly Dude, lookit what I found! It's Muggles!" Harry screamed as he approached the man's throne, the cage swinging wildly at his side.

The Death Eaters around the hall cringed in fright of their Lord's soon-to-be anger. They were surprised when the man only dropped his head into his palms and stayed that way as the other skipped to his throne. When he waved another figure over, one bouncing around just as much as he was, the Death Eaters wondered just who their Lord was marking these days. The crowed, "Fix them, Bella," and the sequential baring of dark, curly hair matched with a twisted smile of glee answered the question of one. Now, who was the other? And how the hell was Bellatrix Lestrange out of Azkaban?

Voldemort cringed slightly as the insane witch reversed the transfiguration of the Muggles, still in the cage. The enclosure burst as the three Muggles grew, two out, one up. The family displayed was horrible to look at, for every single person there. The older man was obese, his son just a little smaller. The man's wife was painfully thin and seriously belonged at a stable.

Though they trembled with fright at suddenly being their regular size in a hall filled with magical people, the man let his rage speak for him, rather than his pea-sized brain. "BOY!" the man roared. "None of this funny business! Take us back, now."

Harry flinched back a little with fear reminiscent of his childhood.

The words the boy muttered, "Mummy, make the freak go away!" set the little Death Eater, the one who _skipped_ into the hall and called the most feared Dark Lord a 'Dude,' into a pout, which was obvious by his stance. The male's hood was dropped, displaying a _very_ pissed off Harry Potter. The Death Eaters cringed and wondered just what the hell Potter, of all people, was doing at the Dark Side's daily meeting.

"Okay, raise your hand if you want to watch the Muggles get Kissed?" he asked loudly to the gathered men and women.

Bellatrix bounced to his side, one hand waving wildly in the air, a very pleased expression decorating the visible portion of her face. A man that must have been her husband placed strong hands on the woman's shoulders to hold her in place. Both of Bella's arms rose, one for her, one for Rudo.

"Oh, come on! There must be others who want to see these Muggles get Kissed!" Harry cried, gesturing wildly to the gathered room. Slowly, hands rose into the air, cautiously, as if they would get punished for moving too fast. Lazily, their Lord stuck his own arm into the air, which prompted the rest to get a move on. "Awesome," Harry commented.

He rolled up the sleeve on his right arm, baring a pale forearm covered with twisting black runes. Beneath his mask, knowledge dawned on Rabastan's face. Now he knew what those marks were. Harry pulled out his wand and pressed it to one of the runes, the largest anyone gathered could tell. He hissed, +Rais,+ and waited.

Rabastan shifted himself in his pants. Harry speaking Parseltongue was hot and he wasn't about to claim anything different.

It was only a few moments later that the shadows grew and burst, displaying a gaggle of darkly cloaked things, floating above the ground. Each breath by the creatures was thick and wet, as if they were sucking in more than air.

The Muggles trembled; though they couldn't see the dementors, they could clearly feel the effects: chills, depression, and they could see the darkness that suddenly permeated the hall.

"No, no, please, anything but the Kiss," the woman pleaded. She fell to her knees and grabbed at Harry's ankles.

"Nope, sorry Aunt Petunia. You lost your chance for redemption."

The Death Eaters were enlightened. So, these were Potter's relatives, the people he grew up with. They were surprised they were Muggles, though. Most of the gathered thought the boy would have been left with a secretive Wizarding family. Apparently not.

+Are you hungry?+ Harry hissed to the one dementor who approached him. The Death Eaters shrunk back against the walls at the detrimental feelings the creatures exuded. No, these creatures weren't happy things. Now, how the Potter boy wasn't cringing back in fright of his prison-enforcers was a wonderful thing they would have appreciated learning.

Snape, hidden at the back of the hall, shoved and locked his Occlumency shields in place. He slowly advanced to the center of the hall, where he glared down his _really_ large nose in disgust at Lily's pathetic older sister. He snorted to himself and stepped back.

+We would be delighted with Kissing these Muggles, Duane,+ Rais replied, having already deciphered what its Little Dark One wanted.

The grin lightening Harry's face was frightening. Only Voldemort knew what he said when Harry replied, +Marvelous. Help yourselves to these three then. I would love to watch.+

Harry settled down to the ground and propped his chin in his hands, eyes widened in anticipation.

The dementors chuckled darkly and set to the Muggles. Rais let its clan fight over who got the other two; it was going to enjoy Duane's uncle as if its existence depended on it.

The Muggles shivered in terror, especially Vernon. He could see nothing but blooming darkness as the invisible demenothingy came closer. And closer. He felt something pull out of him, something colored a dull, tarnished yellow. That bulb of yellow hovered farther and farther away from his body, finally disappearing inside the shadow.

The fat lump fell back, completely soulless and mindless. Rais wiped one slimy, gray hand over its dark hole of a mouth; if possible, its lips widened into a grotesque grin of joy. It always did enjoy eating people's souls, even when tarnished as this Muggle's was.

Harry crawled over to the Kissed man and pulled his wand out of his fixed sleeve. He chanted something that spelled away the fat man's hair. The next charm set his wand tip burning. The teen leaned over and pressed his wand against the fat man's skull. He burned something into the Kissed man's head, while Rabastan chuckled as he watched his lover. The scent of charring flesh had Death Eaters cover their noses with expressions of disgust.

He then used his burning wand tip to sear away the man's shirt. The large canvass of flesh beckoned the teen, who wrote, "Harry Potter-Lestrange's uncle – Kissed." Potter was crossed out rather ferociously.

Rabastan shook his head; Harry wrote 'Vernon' on the Muggle's head and then labeled the man's chest for all to see who he was. Though, Harry's script was rather lovely, especially when burned into skin.

Harry moved on to the Kissed Dudley, labeled the fat lump, and then wrote, "Harry Lestrange's cousin – Kissed." He continued to his aunt, wrote the woman's name over her face, and, on her back, burned, "Harry's aunt – Kissed."

He settled back onto his haunches and extinguished his wand tip. The dementors had long-since vanished back to where ever they had been. "So-o-o," Harry said while glancing around the hall. The Death Eaters were slowly recovering from the previous atmosphere. "Who wants to bring these to the Ministry?"

Three masked men started forward and cast lightening charms on the Muggles. When their Lord waved his hand at them, they Apparated out with the Kissed trio. Harry grinned at nothing and stood. He calmly walked to the Dark Lord and dropped down in the man's lap, lazily lounging on the snake-like man's legs.

To say the least, Voldemort was shocked, and slightly fearing of his life. Hopefully, the boy's husband would come fix this problem.

Rabastan glowered and dropped down in a chair Rudo conjured with his prompting. He summoned his petite lover to him and held Harry in place when the teen tried to escape. Rabastan dropped a kiss to his husband's head and settled back.

Harry grinned; his eye twitched.

Bellatrix pulled a deck of cards from an inside pocket and cackled. Rudo sighed in resignation. Rabastan moaned with despair. Harry laughed gleefully.

* * *

(1) Harry was imprisoned in third year, since it had been his wand that Sirius killed Pettigrew with. No one claimed that it was Sirius that killed Peter; all let Harry take the fall. He and Rabastan became involved when Harry was fifteen (yes, young, I know), and now he is sixteen. The timing of the first chapter is early July, while this is the middle of August.

(2) Retarded meant 'slow' before it became associated with someone with a mental disorder. The way I use it here is an exasperated Voldemort silently fuming about his mentally fucked up Death Eaters, who seem to have become dumber and more easily distracted with their near-fifteen-year stint in Azkaban.

(3) Gaily as in happily, for all of you nit-pickers.

Okay, I have no idea if there will be a part three. Maybe. Probably not. But, I didn't know this was going to happen either, so there. Since I took so much time, and made this chapter infuriatingly long, I would really appreciate it if you, the reader, would review!

~Deso

Edited 1/27/11


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